I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You're like the curious george of whores
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
