I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
