If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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