my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
and you said cock pushups were impossible
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
