imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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