my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
