My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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