Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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