How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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