Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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