I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
