I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Found the puke drawer
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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