she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
