I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
