anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
