there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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