walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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