Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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