you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
