life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
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I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
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I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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