if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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