I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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