Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize