Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
