oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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