I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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