Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
