I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Randomize
