thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
she pinky promised me she was 18
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
