She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
