Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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