Your dad touched me again.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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