I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
