How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
