Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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