i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
