I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
