i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
