please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
