90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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