4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
