I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
