I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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