so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
