Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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