Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
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as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
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Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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