DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
