i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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