Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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