I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
