I'm eating all of the evidence.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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