quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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