respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
