HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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