Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
