"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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