Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
