yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
