what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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