why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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